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Quotes and sayings for Living
Contents:
Political / Government related:
* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
* Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
* Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
* Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
* Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
* Honk if you have had sex with the President.
* i souport publik edekasion
* COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* It is a good thing we don't get all the government that we pay for.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like
the IRS.
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you sya will be
misquoted then used against you later.
* I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
* A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
People and Children:
* You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
* Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
* DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
* 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an
amusement park.
* My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something
like that.
* Santa's elves are a bunch of subordinate clauses.
* A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
* Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way.
* Clones are people two.
* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an IDIOT!
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How's my Driving:
* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your
ASS?
* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
* Keep honking...I'm reloading.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
* Tow-ers will be violated
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
* Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* Hang up and drive.
* Put away your make-up and drive.
* Put away your lipstick and drive.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Heaven Knows:
* Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
* Jesus saves, passes to Moses; he shoots, he scores!!!
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.
* God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Time:
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
On the Job:
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
* If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
* Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
* Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
* Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
* Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Experience is knowing you made the same mistake twice.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
* I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
* I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
What are you Thinking:
* You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not
you!
* Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
* Rap is to music what Etch-a-sketch is to art.
* I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
* Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
* Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* OK, who stopped payment on the reality check?
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* All those who believe in psyco-kinesis raise my hand.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
* I'm not a complete idiot: Some parts are missing.
Actual statements on patience charts by doctors:
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
* Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
Confucious say:
* Man who run in front of car get tired
* Man who run in back of car get exhausted
* Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly
* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
* Woman who but man in doghouse soon find him in cat house
* Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night
* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
* Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
* It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
* Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
* Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
* Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
* Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
* Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
* Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
* Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
* Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
* Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
* Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
* Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Animals:
* Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
* Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
* I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
* I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
* Itty-bitty cuddly bunnies... the other white meat.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Life:
* It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
* Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
* Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* Gene Police: YOU! Out of the pool!
* Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive anyway.
* Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvelous myself.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.
* It's easier to fight for ones' principles than to live up to them.
* The best things in life aren't things
* Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Sex:
* 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
* Impotence, Natures way of saying no hard feelings.
* If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
* Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
* If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
* Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
* Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
* Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
* Wink, I'll do the rest!
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
Misc:
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
* Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
* He's not dead, he's electronencephalographically challenged.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Visualize Whirled Peas.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
* I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
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